I had a dream

No, I'm not Martin Luther King, Jr., and I don't profess to be. I really had a dream that's made me think.

In my dream, there was some circumstance where I was at an event (presumably unknowingly) where my father was speaking publicly. Now, if you know anything about me, then you know my father and I have been estranged for a period of about 3 years now (and if you didn't know that before, you know it now). So as my father was speaking, he made an obvious point of reconciliation while looking at me. I mean, looking me dead in the eye, saying words about needing to forgive and everything else, and seeming very sincere about it.

My reaction was the interesting part. I was basically screaming in his face, telling him no, that I didn't want to. I also ran away (although I turned into Sonic the Hedgehog to do so, so I question the validity of this part of the dream...). Yet when I woke, I felt like I should. I think it's at least partially the result of going on that yoga retreat this last weekend. I've been adopting the philosophy of, "Whatever will be will be," and part of that has been realizing I can't control other people; if I do, then I just add stress to my life. It's much better (and this is where the yoga comes in) for my karma to just let slide the things I can't change, accept the things as they are, and work on forgiveness toward others.

I can't, though. I can't forgive him. Not yet, at least. I can say, "Dad, I want you back in my life," or, "Can we talk about what's happened between us?" But I cannot forgive the man. If I said I could, I'd be lying to myself and to him, which isn't going to do anyone any good.

I guess I'll take baby steps and see how that works out. I might even do it this weekend. And if it doesn't work, then I'm right where I am currently, for better or worse.

Hopefully I don't turn into a blue spiky animal in the process, though....